I am tired. So tired from all I have seen and felt and heard in the past few months. Tired from just thinking about all there is still to do. Tired from trying to explain to family and friends why I want to move my family half way around the world to a 3rd world country they see as ugly and dirty but I see as the most beautiful, full of precious people, place on earth. Tired from worrying and knowing I’m not supposed to worry but not being able to help it … how God? How?
So very tired from fighting myself.
My words yesterday were aimed at myself. They were meant for me. I know them to be true … so then why is it so hard to drop everything, give up the meaningless, trust in my Almighty Father, let go of what little perceived control I think I have, spread my arms wide and say, ‘Here I am. I will go.’ Why is that so hard? It shouldn’t be.
But I grew up here. Among all my things. In complete and utter comfort. Never enduring a moment of want. Always having plenty. Never being hungry. Always having a warm bed. Always having a mother and father to love me and care for me. I have had everything this world has to offer. All the days of my life. And to top off this perfectness … I have been further blessed with an all-consuming love for my Creator. I want desperately to do whatever He asks of me. I want to follow His call with all I am. I want to be everything He meant me to be.
I knew the moment I set foot in the Philippines it was where God wanted me. I couldn’t believe how it felt like home. It shouldn’t have. Everything was so foreign, so different. But it was obvious. So obvious. I think He knew I would need it to be so when I grew weary from the battle and needed a moment to look back on and hold to, I would have that moment. The fact that my spouse feels the same only makes it weirder. And more perfect. But he is having to fight his own battles. This is not going to be easy. I never thought it would be but I am spent. Exhausted. I am bruised, sore and weary from this spiritual battle I don’t really understand.
So … I’m going camping!
In the mountains. With my family. I’m going to breath in the fresh air. Drink in the glory of God’s abundant wilderness. I’m going to hike. I’m going to fish. I’m going to hunt rocks with my kids. I’m going to run, jump and play. I’m going to get wonderfully filthy so when I get home, a shower feels like the greatest luxury known to man. I’m going to sit by the fire and stare into the flames. I’m going to have camp-fire coffee at daybreak beside my husband. I’m going to pray. Read. Worship. A lot! In this beautiful place God has me at this very moment. I’m going to let it refresh me. I’m going to give a little of myself away. I’m going to let it go so I can continue the good fight. I’m going to come back rested, stronger, better. This is a big job and I am one small girl. I need to practice the peace and joy that can only be found by actively choosing to stay in my Father’s hands.