I don’t want to be the one.

Chris and I are getting our passports for our trip to the Philippines today. I wasn’t going to tell anyone. I would prefer no one know I am the crazy loon planning a ten-day missions trip to the Philippines two days after my child gets out of the hospital for another seizure. But then again, that is exactly what I want everyone to know.

Life has been unbelievable for our family the past three months. Our daughter was diagnosed with a rare form of bacterial meningitis (bacteria from a sinus infection moved through the thin bone separating the sinuses from the brain), spent two weeks in Denver Children’s (three days in the PICU), received ten weeks of intravenous antibiotics, and now, it would seem the infection, while gone, may have irritated her frontal lobes enough to cause these really bizarre seizures that may or may not ever go away.

And I refuse for all this to scare me into not doing what God has made so clear He wants us to do! So there! Kiss my ass!

This has been my attitude the past few days. Not the serene, peaceful, good Christian girl of Tuesday morning, but the pissed off mom that is sick to death of her daughter being sick. As soon as I realized Cailey was having another seizure, this person took over. I stomped off to my room to grab my purse and hollered at my stunned family, ‘Get in the damn car! We are going to the damn emergency room!’

I am mad. So mad. I feel as though someone is trying to get to me by messing with my kid and, oh my gosh, it makes me furious! I wonder if this is how all disciples feel? I wonder if this is how Paul or Peter or Timothy felt? Doesn’t it just piss you the F off guys? It does me, and that is where I am, so proceed with caution.

Chris and I decided to give God everything three years ago. There was a lot that happened to bring us to that moment of surrender but the point is, we surrendered. We held our lives in our hands and handed them to God. We said here, we will do ANYTHING.

I for one was pretty pumped when that ‘anything’ seemed to be missions. I liked the leading a youth camp outside Yellowstone that our ‘anything’ seemed to be headed at one point but missions … going where no one else wanted to go, loving the ones no one else wanted to love, giving what no one else wanted to give. Now that I could love. That seemed sufficiently enough to satisfy my over achieving heart.

And we are getting close, so close.

This trip is just the beginning. God is moving in mighty ways and He is not letting me think for a moment it is anything but Him. He is well aware of my tendency to explain away the ‘weird’ aspects of a spirit-filled life of faith and He is taking no chances.

What could ever make me step away from the edge and say, ‘No, I don’t think I will.’ At one time I would have said, ‘Nothing! Absolutely nothing!’

And then Cailey got sick.

My mind immediately went to, ‘What if we were in the Philippines ….’ I looked into nurse aide courses at the college because I don’t want to be the one that tells God no and maybe if I knew how to take her blood pressure this wouldn’t be so scary. Chris says, ‘If it will make you feel better.’ But it won’t make me feel better. Nothing will make me feel better. No one ever said this was going to be easy but I don’t guess I thought it would be quite so hard.

I don’t want to be the one that tells God no.

It makes me mad to think there is something that would make me say no. It makes me mad that someone is attacking my weak spot. It makes me mad to have to be stronger than I want to be. It makes me mad that the ones I love are having to endure with me. It all just makes me SO MAD!

And maybe that is not such a bad thing. I did just tell Satan to kiss my ass after all.

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4 Responses to I don’t want to be the one.

  1. Tricia Diane Lynch 😉

    • Chris & Trish says:

      Oh come on, they weren’t THAT bad. I’ve said worse. And besides, I think maybe God doesn’t mind so much. I’m not sure if it’s the adolescent attitude or the slight potty mouth but I often feel His intense amusement when I am in such a place 🙂

  2. Claudia Good says:

    Powerful and heartfelt to say the least!
    Isn’t writing therapeutic??

    My heart hurts for your daughter and I pray you find the answers and healing you are looking for… for your mama heart and for her body!

    Courage, strength and wisdom to you and your family as you proceed. It seems the next step always appears only after we take the first one.

    Through the fog and fighting for answers. Peace to you and on you!

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