It is so late and I know I need to be sleeping. Tomorrow will be a hard day. But I am finding it more and more difficult to take my eyes off of Cailey.
She had an MRI today. It was this big, ugly machine with ‘Danger! This magnet is ALWAYS on’ stickers all over the door. Sure, take my baby in there and strap her in that thing and do, only God knows what, for half an hour while she lays perfectly still. She did great. She threw up as soon as she got out. She is the strongest, bravest, most beautiful person I know. It is tearing me up inside to see her hurting so bad.
As I was sitting waiting for the MRI to finish I kept praying, ‘Ok God. I’m ready. I’m ready for you to come down and heal her now. I’m ready for you to take away all her pain. I know You can do this. I am ready.’
I think of the Lazarus story. Lazarus was Jesus’s friend. Jesus loved Lazarus. When Lazarus’s sisters sent for Jesus because he was sick, Jesus said he would be there soon. Jesus continued to teach and love and heal perfect strangers while his beloved Lazarus grew sicker and sicker and even died. Jesus went to Lazarus three days later and His heart was broken. He loved Lazarus. Mary and Martha did not understand at all. But then an amazing thing happened … Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead. So many that saw came to believe that day. So many more than if Jesus had healed Lazarus when he was just sick. I know God’s timing is perfect. This story tells me that even when it doesn’t seem like it, God’s timing is always perfect.
We got the results of Cailey’s MRI tonight. She has small abscesses of infection between her skull and her brain across her forehead and beside her eyes. She is in terrible pain. She can’t hold anything in her stomach. The Neurosurgeon said they may have to go in and wash the infection out.
My dearest, heavenly Father, I am ready for You to heal my baby. I am beyond ready. I can’t stand to see her hurting this way. I can’t stand it for one more second. I am begging You to heal my baby and take away her pain. I am begging you Father. YOUR BELOVED IS BEGGING YOU! I lay before You now, with my face on the ground, clutching Your feet sweet Jesus, giving You everything I have and saying the hardest words I’ve ever said. They get stuck in my throat and burn my insides up … not mine, but Your will be done. Your perfect and beautiful will.